I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
