just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
nutella sex= disaster
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
