I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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