apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
