I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We got so high we made milksteak
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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