i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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