Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Alive.
So much puke
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
