I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
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We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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