I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
