I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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