If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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