Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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