Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
