Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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