She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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