I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
