Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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