I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
40s are totally the cure
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
