Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
