There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
