I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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