Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
