My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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She's not a foreskin expert like you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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