In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
As shirtless as possible
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
