Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
