Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
