Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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