# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
