Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year