I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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