I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
