someone threw a dead crab at me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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