dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
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Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...