I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.