Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
