She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
