Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
