just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere