ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I love you. Go after that dick
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
