You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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