Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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