btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
even my farts smell like vagina
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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