Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
