I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
