The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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