there's paper in my vomit.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
