Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
