someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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