from now on my penis is your penis
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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