i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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