I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
