I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
