in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
