speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
