I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
