I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
