She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
