i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
