either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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