True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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