Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
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Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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