Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
