hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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