I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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